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Dating as a Big Beautiful Woman or a Big Handsome Man in a world where unrealistic beauty standards and the unachievable pressure to look perfect are upheld by celebrities can be difficult.


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Skip ! Story from Relationships. When it comes to dating, I was something of a late bloomer. Around the time my friends started losing their virginities and acquiring partners, I alternated between feeling too ashamed of my fat body even to consider letting anyone else see it and presuming that no one would want to look at me naked in the first place. Fast-forward to early university and the discovery of fat acceptance communities online, and I started dipping my toe into the metaphorical hook-up pool. Finding people who seemed totally at ease with the nuances of my fatness, on the other hand, might prove a little trickier.

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MANY years before I got together with my boyfriend, I had a sex thing with this guy that I thought was relationship-material.

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He not only had an amazing body but a great personality as well. I was honest when I met him that I was looking for something more than just sex, and he led me to believe that was what he wanted, too. Between having mind-blowing sex, we ordered home delivery, played video games, and watched movies - couple-y type things but without the label.

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But when I tried to get him to go to a show or out to dinner with me, he refused. My frustration grew as the months went on, and one day I confronted him. We might run into one of my buddies," he said moving his body further away from me. The underlining meaning was clear - he couldn't take the chance that someone he knew would see him with me.

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He needed to keep our relationship on the down low so that no one would ever suspect that he enjoyed spending time with me … a fat woman. He was super fit, so obviously that's the kind of woman that he wanted to be associated with, the kind he could be seen with at the Indian place. When I realised that he was ashamed of being seen with me, I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach - a place where much of my pain already resided. He did me a favour by not continuing to lead me on.

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I had hoped that now, in this day and age of body positivity and acceptance, that men no longer need to hide their desires, and that being labelled as someone who likes fat women isn't the worst thing in the world. With over comments, Tess's followers confirmed that the bigotry, misogyny, and fear of fat-shaming by association was still happening. Her words resonated with them, and they all shared the same truth. They're okay with banging a fat girl, but they don't want to hang out with her - someone might judge them for it.

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As fat women, we're forced to develop a thick skin because people already feel that it's their right to say anything to us. We're tough enough to handle it, but some men's egos are just too fragile, and they crumble. It's one thing if you're not into fat women - everyone has their preferences and not every body type appeals to everyone.

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But if you find larger women hot and you want to have sex with them but don't want to be associated in public with them, then that's emotionally abusive. If you're attracted to fat women but date thin women as a cover, that's just as screwed up as using people to fake your sexuality - it will hurt everyone involved.

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I knew a gay guy who hadn't come out to his family, so to keep his facade as a straight person, he'd date very conservative Christian women Christian so that they wouldn't expect him to sleep with them. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong by dating them, but, in fact, he was using them and lying to himself.

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Everyone should have the freedom to express their desires openly as long as there's consent from both parties. If a fat woman wants a purely sexual relationship, that's great, but it shouldn't be her only option. Some guys think that they're doing a fat woman a favour just by having sex with her - that we're beyond grateful for any attention whatsoever. Because we're fat, we're willing to do almost anything with anyone, and that there are no limits to what we'll do to please you.

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Don't tell me you're looking for a relationship, or act like we're in one, when all you really want is to experience what sex with a fat woman is like. I'll tell you what it's like: It's as amazing and fun as having sex with anyone who's into having sex with you.

We don't have magic vaginas, and our breasts don't do any special tricks - well besides the usual, like feed or comfort people. Fat women are just as hot and sexually gifted as women of other shapes, sizes, and abilities. Being fat doesn't mean we're so hungry for attention that we'll put our own needs aside and do whatever we can to rock your world.

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Being alone is far better than compromising on what you deserve or being made to feel as if you're someone's big dirty secret. I regret not standing up for myself when I discovered that the athletic guy was only using me for sex. But at least I learned, as we all should learn, that I'm responsible for being my biggest advocate and to never accepting anything less than what I need.

This article by Christine Schoenwald originally appeared on Ravishly and has been republished with permission.

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